I
wanted to write another post on here, I know, I only published my last post
just over a week ago! I seem to write all the time now, albeit being essays for
university. I just finished my 1st draft of my research proposal which is
basically me telling lecturers what I'm going to spend my entire 4th year at
university, apart from the obvious stressing out, getting no sleep and crying
my eyes out as the end of my life as a student is nigh and I have to focus on
serious shit. Yeah, I look forward to it as much as the next person. But I
discovered more lately how writing can be a great tool, if you're upset or
having a bad day, open a new Word document and write all your worries on there.
Then you can decide whether you want to save it, or just delete it. I find it
better because I'm not worrying or involving anyone else and I can decide what
the initial outcome is. Well, that is until Word decides it doesn't want to
save what you wrote and ends up losing it anyways, like what it did with me.
Thanks for that. Anyways, I've recently become a very reflective and soppy
person, one example is when I nearly made my mum cry on Mother's Day by calling
her my best friend.
I'm turning 21 on the 24th of March, basically 5 days from now and
that terrifies me more than people realise. Because I don't want to say goodbye
to being 20. To think I didn't want to turn 20 in the first place, now it's
funny because it's been the year where I've experienced the most highs and lows
I've ever had in my life. I've gained several new friendships, ones I hope will
last a lifetime, I've also lost those who I wish I stayed in touch with. I've
had my heart broken numerous times throughout my 20th year yet I discovered I
still have one special person in my life who always puts a smile on my face no
matter how many times I cry. I've found employment and dealt with a part time
job alongside university. I've gained so much more confidence and compliments
from people some days, other days insults and anxiety knock all the happiness
out of me, almost like as if someone punched me hard in the stomach. I've
improved so much in terms of my saxophone playing this year with the saxophone
king (my tutor) and yet it drives me to push myself even further, far beyond
the standard I thought I could reach. I've surprised myself a lot this year;
good surprises, bad surprises, surprises I never saw myself achieve in a
million years.
Yet I realised, despite everything that has happened in the space
of 365 days, have I really changed? I'm still the crazy, weird, music obsessed,
saxophone playing, ginger haired Queenie. After spending most of my life not
fitting in at home, it's strange to finally be at a place where more and more
people accept you for being the person you're meant to be and want to be. Of
course, I still have the wonderful support from those who have known me before
I moved to Aberdeen and 'changed', my INCREDIBLE family who show no bounds when
it comes to encouraging me to achieve my dreams, I hope I can do you proud. To
the select few, those special people who have stuck with me, because let's be
honest, family have to, they don't get a say! Hehehe. No, seriously, you guys
decided to sacrifice most of your time to spend it with me and that's an
achievement in itself. And the most wonderful blessing. I may never say it
enough but I will always love you and I hope you'll be in my life forever.
So to sum up, right now at this moment in time, I'm scared to turn
21 and I don't want to be 21. But if being 20 was such a defining year for me,
imagine what 21 is going to be like! I still have so much I need to experience,
need to achieve, more tears to cry, more laughs to enjoy, more of my personal
failures to struggle through but that's part of life. It's literally the
biggest and fastest roller-coaster that never seems to stop and I'm holding on
for dear life. But I'm surrounded by my nearest and dearest and there will
always be music around me wherever I go. That's all I need, my family, loved
ones and music to love forever more. That's what makes me happy.
P.S. - America, one day soon, hopefully I'll be able to drink in
you! hahaha. :)
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