Years in Review: Grab yourself a snack as this post is a long one!

TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post will discuss mental health issues, someone who has had suicidal thoughts. It will also talk about someone getting shingles, chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia & Covid-19. 

If you are currently struggling with your mental health, please click off this blog post & get the support you so truly deserve. Talk to your GP, click on this link and please look after yourself.

So, according to my blog, the last time I did one of these new year posts was in 2018. 
Since then, there has been a global pandemic, I worked through the start of it as a key worker, leaving it to go and work in childcare.

If my mental health was a rollercoaster, it would be one of those that spin you around and you are literally just held to the seat upside down by one of those overhead bars. Literally, like this one which is near Mount Fuji, Japan. YIKES!

I have been from the extremes of being close to committing suicide to probably being the best I have ever felt, literally ever. 

So, if that isn’t a good starter to get you hooked into this post, then let me tell you what the past three years have been like and what I look forward to in 2022. 

Employment
That job I spoke about in the previous post where I had just started and it seemed promising. Yeah, about that... 
I did stay in that workplace for over 2 years (just over 2 years and 2 months to be precise) but I left just after I worked the New Year shifts at the very start of 2021. 
Honestly, I wanted to leave earlier as it wasn’t a healthy place to work at. Shift work was exhausting me to the point where I had no social life and my days off were spent recovering. It even got to the point where my family, who have warned me about changing jobs every so often, they even told me I should leave. 
It just wasn’t a great place to work in and I had a lot of issues about various things that were passed onto HR. I stopped trusting in my colleagues, even management and just went in to work for the people I supported & to get myself paid. 

I had been applying to jobs back in late 2019 to January/February 2020 but due to the pandemic, interviews were postponed. So, I carried on working there till I was finally told of a starting date for a new role.

I found a full-time role in early years childcare thanks to the Scottish Government expansion of hours. This was one of the jobs that offered me an interview in March 2020 before we all went into lockdown. 
However, in September, I had an interview on Teams then in early December, I was offered my contract and start date. I also had another offer to work for another charity and had to make the choice of what would be better for myself and my mental health so went for working with 2 to 5 year olds. Makes sense right?
I have now worked at two places, due to one closing down (I was told this before I started), so I am currently working in a brand-new setting. 
This has been the best decision I have ever made in the longest time and my new role is what has made my 2021 better than previous years. 
I finally feel like I have a job that I am good at but I also enjoy it, I can work full time and have the weekends off. I finally have a great support network within my setting where my colleagues and my manager have been out of the world in terms of supporting me. It has been a while since I have been able to look forward to going to work, so when I was off sick, I hated it and wanted to be back. The kids are great, and it of course gives me an excuse to act like an absolute bairn, professionally of course. I am looking forward to the future within this role and sincerely hope that this is the start of a positive future.

Financially, I’m still not great at saving money once I get paid. I have gotten myself into situations where I have had to look for free food on the OLIO app (lifesaver) and go to food banks just to keep going. Several years ago, I would have taken that for granted. Every year before Christmas, I donate to Social Bite who help homeless people in Scotland, including Aberdeen. You certainly get some perspective when you work in a deprived area and have little money to buy food, you’re grateful for the roof under your head, that you have your work as a distraction and before you ran out of money, you have paid your bills to get internet and heating.

 
Volunteering/Projects
I still volunteer for my local befriending charity; my befriender is now 14 which is just bonkers. Of course, with the pandemic, I haven’t seen her as much as I would like which is still a regret I still carry on my shoulders. It is still a great feeling to know that I am making a difference in her life in a small way.

I have a new project in the pipelines that I am not going to mention too much on here. It will hopefully rebirth my love for music again which will be great if it does. 

I have also been debating about whether I should start a podcast, whether it be on YouTube, Twitch or SoundCloud, discussing various topics like mental health, sexuality, being a woman in today's society etc. Hit me up if that is a good idea, I bought a microphone for the National Autistic Society stream in April and haven't used it since. 

Life outside of work/relationships
That is the one thing that really hasn’t changed much, if at all in the past three years. I still live on my own in my wee Casa De Eilidh, still in Aberdeen. I love my little home for myself, even though there have been times I have wanted to escape during lockdowns. 
I still have my chosen family who are such a great support network and have been my saviours during my darker spells of depression. 

I had a couple of first dates, if I can remember the number literally being two, in the past three years. 
A lot of talking to people on dating apps where I get told ‘I haven’t been on a ride on their cock to know for sure if I am asexual or not’. Sorry men, not to be sexist, but those messages have come from a few of you.
Going back to the first face to face dates, for the first one, I was the one to say I do not want to see them again. I felt awful doing that because I know how that feels too many times. 
The second one I can remember was when we met at a local park, and I was smitten by them. Unfortunately, during my annual leave when I was supposed to meet them again, my grandfather passed away, so I was a bit preoccupied. We’re still friends on Facebook so for some reason, so if you are reading this, I think you’re pretty, you’re great and I would like to see you again if that's ok. 

The funniest thing was that I was called by First Dates, the Channel 4 programme, in February 2020 to possibly star in it. I had plane tickets to London booked by them and everything to have an interview. Unfortunately, I was very suicidal at this point so thought it wasn’t the right time. So yet again, anyone who works at First Dates is reading this, can you hit me up again, please? 
Aberdeen is shite when it comes to dates, or is it because I am a queer romantic asexual that nobody gets? Yet I still hold some hope that my romantic soulmate is out there. 

The biggest discovery I have made is due to my upbringing in the Highlands where the vast majority of people are phobic towards anything different, the bullying I have had in every stage of my life etc, I really have little experience of unconditional love and knowing what that is. I will work on that with my counsellor and know that I do experience unconditional platonic love through my chosen family and know I have a safe place with them.
One day, I hope I do get lucky and find a partner who loves me back because the one thing that still haunts me at night is loneliness. 

Health
Now, this is probably going to be a long section so grab yourself your favourite beverage and snack to keep you going.

I have been honest about my clinical depression and social anxiety for a while now, I’ve done a couple of blog posts, a couple of videos and numerous stories & posts on my Instagram (@curlybobofelia). 
2017 & 2018 Eilidh had NO idea what was just around the corner, to be honest, no one was ready. 
I am one of many where their anxiety has been heightened due to coronavirus, I can hardly go into town and do some shopping without feeling incredibly anxious. 
I was also a keyworker for the first 10 months of the pandemic so was incredibly cautious to the point where I didn’t see my best friend, who lived a 10-minute walk away, face to face for six months. 
I was livid at people who panic bought, still socialised in groups and hated the anti-vaxxers so much that I got myself into quite a state of anger and frustration. And the fact I have had not one, but TWO lockdown birthdays is just as annoying.

Within my previous job, my mental health went up and down there even without thinking about Covid. 
At one point, before the dreaded C-virus even entered the UK, I was contemplating suicide. 
There had been one thing I had always wanted in life ever since I was a teenager and that was to not exist any longer. 
February 2020 was when I was at the lowest of the low. I was off for what must have been like a fortnight (including annual leave) with depression, having to send a sick note to work. I honestly couldn’t see how my life would improve. I remember a phone call to one of my best friends admitting this and hearing them burst into tears over the phone. 
It is only now in 2021 where my main goal in life hasn’t been to kill myself, it’s been to improve my mental health. 
For me, that is a milestone that you know what, I’m going to say it, I am fucking proud of myself for that. 
Those who know me in real life will be shocked at me writing this, even saying it. 
I have had various medication changes in the past three or so years and have had a couple of counsellors during that time as well. 
I have had a counsellor since February of this year, well had two due to clashes of timetables and it has made a world of difference. I knew for me that having a temporary counsellor was not feasible as I have a lot of baggage to sort out so to have had one consistent person to help me since May has just been brilliant.  

Now mental health aside, 2020/2021 have been interesting years in terms of my overall health. Brace yourself.

After feeling pain across my body on and off since June/July 2020 and blood tests coming back normal, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia by my GP. 
Unfortunately, there isn’t a test to pinpoint which one it was so for now, I’m saying to people that I have chronic fatigue. I tried medication for it which make me feel drunk for the first time in like 6 years before I went teetotal. My antidepressant also works as a slight sedative to help me get to sleep at night.

In August 2021, I was diagnosed with shingles. I developed a rash on Saturday 7th/Sunday 8th. As my skin has always been pretty sensitive, at first I brushed it off. I saw a pharmacist on Monday 9th, to ask if it could be shingles as I read it could be contagious to those who haven't had chickenpox. At this point, I worked with 2 year olds so there was a high possibility the vast majority wouldn't have had it yet. 
He wasn't sure what it was so he gave me hydrocortisone cream and told me to cover it up when I was at work. However, the rash began to blister and the pain was excruciating so I called NHS 111 in the early hours of Wednesday morning and sent an eConsult. My named GP called me later on the morning: 'I am here to talk about your shingles.' 
I was signed off work for the rest of the week, given tablets that I had to take 5 times a day and to rest. To this day, you can faintly see where I had my shingles on my right arm. On my back, the shingles followed my nerves to form a sad face so I can still see it when I come out of the shower. 

I am not in any pain anymore regarding the shingles, however, I always think whether my chronic fatigue could be linked to it. When I have a really painful spell of chronic fatigue, I panic slightly as to whether I am going to have shingles again, as I wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy. It was like being on fire constantly for a week. 

And to top off all my health issues recently, I got Covid. Found out I was positive at the end of the same week I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. Yep. 
I did my usual Sunday lateral flow not thinking anything as I have to do lateral flows twice a week. Then the two lines appeared, and I was shook-eth. 
Of course, I was grateful that my self-isolation period was just before the Christmas holidays so I could still see the family for Christmas. 
I had no symptoms on Sunday so thank goodness the two lateral flow tests I did that evening came up positive so I couldn't put anyone else at work at risk. 
The main symptoms for me from Monday evening onwards were that it felt like I had a really bad cold. I had a couple of days with no taste or smell but I have also had that with bad colds. I was also in the middle of changing medication during my self-isolation so whether Covid caused me to feel more drunk, who knows. 
Nevertheless, my symptoms were mild, for which I was extremely grateful. I really do think if I didn’t have my two vaccines, things would have been a lot worse. 
So even though I was losing my mind by day 9, I’m happy to say that I have come through the other side. I do have to wait a little while to get my booster but apart from that, I’m doing well. 

That’s what I can say really. I am actually doing well. Yes, I still struggle with money and loneliness and still have a lot of emotional baggage to work on. But I am getting there, slowly but surely. I wouldn’t be at this point without my counsellor and my chosen family who have been with me through this journey. 

So, Eilidh, I hear you ask, what do you want to achieve in 2022?
And I say, I dunno for certain but I have a couple of ideas, such as: 

• Start writing, whether that may be my own children’s book/blogging, whatever. I just miss writing.

• New project in volunteering, rebuild my love for music again. Play the saxophone more

• Make new friends in the area, seeing as my best friend will be moving away late February/early March. Go on outings with Aberdeen Aces or go to fibromyalgia meets.

• Travel (Covid permitting): To see my friend in England and to another friend in the Borders. Need to go back to London, see a West End show. Have a holiday or just a couple of days away from Aberdeen or the family home would be swell.

• Save money. Get better with spending. Be more conscientious with money.

• Start my SVQ in childcare, look into future promotions.

• Start dating again. Have more confidence in myself. 

• Look into possible adoption/fostering options. As soon as my money situation improves, I would like to start having my own family, whether that is with a partner or not.

• See my befriender more.

• Find more hobbies and take some quality time for me to escape reality.

• Keep going with counselling and improving my mental health. I’m so proud of my progress so far.

If you got through that mammoth of an essay and have reached this point, congratulations. I can’t even read through it myself to check for grammatical errors, it’s that long!
Anyway, wherever you are, hope you have had a lovely Christmas/New Year break and are enjoying your 2022 so far. I know it’s only the 4^th as this goes live but eh, can’t be any worse than 2020 right?! Fingers crossed I haven’t just jinxed us.

<3 HEARTS TO EVERYONE! <3
Jeez, haven't said that in a while. :)

Year in Review: 2018 - The year Anxiety won, a lot.

So as the title suggests, this year has been A LOT.

I have been through seven jobs, left three, fired from two.

I had no money till the end of the year.

Anxiety has been my enemy the whole time, from the day I had my severe panic attack in February to when I didn’t eat for a week in September. My overall health, confidence and self-esteem really took a turn thanks to anxiety, I really lost myself, isolated myself from everyone and lost trust in pretty much everything.

I lost a best friend this year, yes she was a dog but she was my only friend when I was a teenager. I miss her so much.

My relationship with my family this year was strained to say the least.
I took a hiatus from music, which let's be honest I am still in. I miss it a lot but don't have a lot of time for myself currently.

Yet there still has been some good to look back onto this year.

How my best friends are incredible, the fact they believed me more than I believed in myself. One best friend graduated with a first class Masters degree with two academic prizes, the other got an amazing job related to her field. Yet they still found time to help me, forever grateful and proud to have them in my life.

I volunteer with an amazing charity that helps children from difficult backgrounds and I now work with adults with learning disabilities which I am really enjoying, despite the long working hours. I get to help people not just for a living but also in my spare time, which is all I ever really wanted.

I went to my first ever Pride event in May, walked down Union Street wearing a bright rainbow hoodie and my ace & bi heart t-shirt, waving a rainbow flag and getting my picture in the paper. I had never felt so free and accepted that day during the parade.
I found 47 penguin statues in Dundee and explored an Enchanted Forest in Pitlochry. 

Bohemian Rhapsody came out in the cinemas and the whole world was Queen obsessed. I was so happy and proud that this movie had finally come out.
I made some really great friends this year that really helped me find myself again. <3 

Oh yeah, and I met Brian May. In Aberdeen. And held his hands. So no biggie… :O

It’s quite depressing though looking back at the goals I set for 2018, realising I never really achieved any of them, as you can see here:

1.        Gain my confidence back in the workplace, maintain a healthy balance between jobs and get fully settled in them all.

Yeah… Work and I have been a more turbulent relationship than Ross and Rachel. Let’s just say in 2019, I would like to stay in one job that doesn’t give me a severe panic attack yet makes me feel like I am doing something worthwhile. At least I have one full-time job now and a voluntary position, both of them are really rewarding.

2.        Save money, for holidays or treats, mainly to pay back overdraft. Possibly to pay for au pair trip to America.

Thanks to HMRC, I am now out of my overdraft for the time being. Got to tell you now that I am earning a decent wage each month, it is nice to have money in my account. Although it is still a little low thanks to Christmas, you know me!

As for my au pair trip, that cannot happen if I stay on antidepressants so I think that dream will unfortunately never come true. My health comes first.

3.        Organise a birthday trip away. Even if the trip has to be in July. My birthday is in March by the way.

The only trips I really had were the days in Dundee searching for penguins. I have booked the weekend of my birthday off work as a holiday so I am in the process of planning a weekend away to London with Connie & Struan, my two best friends. Hopefully, I won’t have to cancel it like I had to cancel Orkney last year. It’s about time I do something for my birthday.

4.        Sit driving test by the end of the year. Pass theory at least.

I had driving lessons from September to November, until my driving instructor stopped doing lessons so I need to find another one and get started in the new year. If I start lessons again, I would like to sit my theory test by the end of 2019. As for my driving test, who knows? Working different shifts each week will be hard to organise lessons and tests but not impossible.

5.        Start dating, eventually.

Haha. What a laugh. Don’t know why I still have this hope that someone likes me romantically but deep down inside I believe it could still happen. I liked someone for a while but we’ve both kinda gone our separate ways and don’t speak that much. I did see him recently and he made me so calm after a stressful work shift. You know me though, wishful thinking.  

6.        Travel to Orkney/Shetland? Maybe?

Yeah, I booked a trip to Orkney in January for March but had to cancel it because of money troubles. It was another thing to add to a list of bad things that happened at the start of the year.

As long as 2019 doesn’t suck as much as 2018, then I would be happy. If I achieve a couple of goals the next coming year, that would definitely be an achievement.

What I want is to stay in a job for a period of time that feels like I am contributing and helping others. I have my volunteering role as well where I would love to build on the friendship I have with this child and have some fun activities to look forward to with her. I would like a break away with my best friends to thank them for everything they have done for me. I want to be happier, more relaxed and look after myself more. I am turning 25 this year, where I will be an official adult so I do not want to spend my adult years unhappy. At the same time, I don’t want to spend so much time under so much pressure just in order to prove myself to everyone. I just want to be me, Eilidh. A silly yet kind ginger haired bi asexual. :)

Not the longest post compared to previous ones but December has been an insane month for me, literally no time to rest properly. I hope everyone has a happy Hogmanay & New Year celebration, I will be working New Year’s morning so I will spend my Hogmanay night watching Jools Holland’s Hootenanny then going to bed not long after midnight has passed. Hope your 2018 has been great and that you are looking forward to, hopefully, an amazing 2019! Stay safe yet merry. :)
<3 HEARTS TO EVERYONE! <3

Getting fired...

I am writing this a while after this happened to me. Thankfully, I now have other employment where I feel like I am helping people in a way that’s personally less stressful overall. But after a completely isolating and difficult time, I felt it would be good to share my experience in the hope it helps someone who has been through something similar.

In August, I left my minimum wage job to start a new exciting adventure with an amazing sounding project. I was really excited yet nervous that I was taking this big step.

Three weeks later, I was fired.

It. Was. Horrible.

I am not going to go into full details of how and why I was fired, because it was a complicated situation. Part of me still feels disappointed and humiliated that this has happened to me but you can’t go back and change time. Maybe it was fate telling me that this was not the right thing for me, I wasn't mentally prepared for the stress and anxiety or I should not have rushed into something else so quickly after leaving a role in a similar field previously. It's a field I have great passion in so I constantly felt pressure to succeed in this, yet at the same time be financially stable that it affected my overall health and employment. 

This was in the same year where I left freelance work because I had a panic attack so luck really wasn’t on my side. I have learnt a lot from this though, realising I need to focus more on my mental health rather than on what stage in my career I am in. And what helps my mental health is being able to support and help other people, which is what I do at my current work and through volunteering. 

Here are some tips I have come up with from this experience that I hope will help someone.

1.     Go to the Job Centre and get JobSeekers Allowance (Universal Credit/Housing benefit at local council) – It’s not enough to cover rent but at least you will have some money in your account and you will get support to help you find other work. The staff who helped me were incredibly reassuring and gave me a boost when I felt the worst, it was through them I found out about a recruitment event and was able to get an idea of a long-term plan. It's something to help you this next while if it takes a period of time to get back into work.

2.     Apply for new jobs as soon as possible – Sounds bloody obvious but go to Indeed, Gumtree Jobs, look for council jobs, apply to loads of job vacancies to get yourself back into work. If you applied to previous jobs and got offers from them, get back in touch to see if something can be arranged. Luckily a relief job offer for me turned into a full-time offer. It doesn’t have to be full time though, there are a lot of part-time and temporary jobs out there.

3.     Volunteer – I love volunteering, I am currently volunteering for a charity that does incredible work for children in Aberdeen. Through this period not in full time/part time work, I had this responsibility to contribute something positive to a young girl’s life and it’s been incredibly rewarding. I also had relief work in an after-school club where the children I worked with put a smile back on my face during a difficult time and staff were incredibly supportive, so it helped me a lot.

4.     Look after yourself – The week after I was fired, I didn’t eat, my anxiety was at its worst, I isolated myself from friends and family for almost a month because all I felt was the shame. Don’t follow by my example. No matter what happens, your friends and family love you and think the world of you, even when you don’t fully believe in yourself. You'll be surprised by the amount of support that can come your way when you least expect it. Try not to punish yourself too much because it’s not going to get you anywhere. Look after your physical and mental health, exercise, learn breathing techniques, I recommend the Calm & Headspace apps for meditation, they're amazing. 

5.     Take this time to think what you really lot out of life – For me, I wanted to work on my mental health and stop piling on the pressure on myself to be on a certain step on the career ladder. After a period of working 3 or 4 part-time jobs in a row, my brain was exhausted and my body was achy, sore and stressed. Now I have one full-time job, one voluntary commitment and one important project which is my driving lessons.

I can completely understand how soul destroying being fired could be, whether you have been in a job for a short while or a long period of time. You feel that hardly anyone can comprehend what you are going through.

Nine times out of ten, being fired doesn’t mean that you are a failure in life and you can soon pick yourself up. They often talk about Steve Jobs originally being fired from Apple, then he was soon rehired as the CEO where Apple is the biggest company in the world.

There's my story, I have made a lot of mistakes in 2018. However, if I didn't make these mistakes, I wouldn't have learnt all of these lessons and have found the fulfilling opportunities I discovered after this employment, financial and emotional struggle. 

Stay strong and focus on bringing yourself back up again. You can get there, believe in yourself.